Anxiety Auras

The anxious moments can come out of nowhere! I’ve seen lately that at times they come on similar to the aura before a migraine. My heart will race, I will be shaky, I’ll feel hot….all come and go quickly at first. The same as the aura, comes quickly then leaves, before the migraine actually hits. I feel what’s happening, I pray, go to my CALM app to meditate, take deep breaths…trying to calm the anxiety down before it becomes an “attack”.

 

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The Road Less Traveled

Some days I feel sad. Not because of anything in particular, just a feeling. I see a photo, hear a voice/phrase/song, recall a story, and it takes me down the sad road.  The path that brings up even more memories of what used to be, the good times mostly. The times that make me wish things could go back; the times I don’t want to forget, yet it hurts to remember. The mind goes to a time when things were really good, or at least I thought they were. It’s a dark path, yet with the good memories my smile lights it up. Maybe we need to travel through the dark at times, to truly appreciate the light. As much as they hurt, they are necessary. The road less traveled…

Focus, then Refocus

I’m not writing to tell anyone that the struggles I deal with are easy and simple. I’m writing to show you how even in my tough days, I regroup/refocus, and keep moving on. Am I always going to have good days? NOPE. Big, fat, NOPE. Will all of my days be bad ones? Again, NOPE. As trying as some moments are, I have to keep on keeping on. Every. Single. Day. It’s not always easy, but it is always necessary! Always. I have depression, and anxiety issues, as well as PTSD. They, yes I see them as a separate entity within me, are part of me. They may well be forever part of me, and that’s okay. Why, you ask? Because I survived what was thrown at me! I overcame a lot, more than most will ever know. I never gave up, even on my darkest days. I never wanted to stop living, though I almost did just that – without realizing what was happening. A Nervous breakdown overtook me for quite a while, but again, I survived. It wasn’t easy, nor is it something I would want to see anyone go through. It paralyzed me for a while, more emotionally and mentally than anything else. It was such a heavy weight, oh my, so very exhausting to carry. When I was carrying that weight, my life was crumbling beneath it.

I finally saw that I needed help, or I would not survive. I never wanted to die, yet I was letting it happen because that weight was far too much for me. My anxiety took over, and didn’t allow me to eat. My depression covered me up, and didn’t let me care for myself. I was a mess, in more ways than one. My recovery didn’t happen quickly, or easily. Inpatient in the psych ward was nothing less than pure hell. Then I was moved to another hospital, because my symptoms and health issues were more than could be handled at the prior location. I was on the heart floor for a couple weeks, since my magnesium and potassium were depleted, my heart was not stable. Not to mention, my weight in general was killing me, quickly. At this point, I was 68 pounds. I had to have a G-tube inserted, so I was able to have some nutrition pumped into my stomach. Ensure, I will never like the taste or smell, but it saved my life. Since my stomach was being stretched with the tube feed, I was able to physically able to eat again. Two or three bites at a time, but that was a miracle at the time! My anxiety was extremely high my first few weeks in, due to the new environment, being away from my family, and coming off of the Xanax my doctor had given me for years. High dose for someone as close to dead as I was – 4mg a day. He over prescribed me for a long time, making me an addict. As well as the fact that it almost killed me. Or at least aided in my near demise. So, I was given a medicine to help my withdrawals from Xanax, making me even sicker than I was. They changed that and it helped. Within 10 days I was off of Xanax completely. I have not wanted one since then, no cravings for it at all. Knowing what a poison it was to me, no desire at all! After 6 weeks, I was moved to a long term care facility. It had physical therapists and such on staff, and a good group of nurses. I felt comfortable for the most part. They all did everything in their power to help me gain strength, weight, and overcome my extreme anxiety issues. During all of this, through the middle of June, I was in a wheelchair. I had little strength to get out of bed, let alone walk. Physical and Occupation therapy helped me tremendously, daily. I was walking in the workout room, a little at a time, gaining strength. My muscles were tired every single day, but I knew I was healing. It felt so good. Knowing my body was recovering from what it had went through was amazing! Also knowing my mind was following suit was such a blessing. Weekly therapy sessions, as well as a lot of journaling, helped get me back on track.

More on another blog maybe…brain fried.

 

Mind Over Body

I haven’t had a day like this for quite a while. A day when I completely don’t feel well; a day where my mind is controlling the way I feel. Not sure if it’s anxiety, though that and depression do control me (mind and body) at times, or if it’s my heavy heart feeling too heavy today. I am tired. Not sleepy tired, but emotionally tired. Life hasn’t been easy, but I have gotten through each and every day of it. Some smooth sailing, some like a plane crash…but I walked away unscathed. One huge part of my life changed 8 months ago, when Sarah moved out and all that mess. Lately I’ve had 2 people tell me that she’s my daughter and I should love her and welcome her back if she wants to come. These two that have not walked a day in my shoes, these two that don’t do parenting the way I do – one of which isn’t even a parent. I love Sarah, and I pray for her daily. These two things does not make what she has done to me right, it doesn’t erase it at all. My love as her mother will always be there, yet I don’t have to forget and allow her into my life at this time. Not so much forget, as to give her the chance to hurt me again. Physically or emotionally. Me allowing her into MY home would open the realm of possibility up to that happening. That’s not me being negative, that’s me being practical. I know what she has done, and while I’ve forgiven her somewhat, it will take a LOT to trust her again. As of now, I cannot. So, the days where my mind is moving a mile a minute, I shall step back from being “plugged in”, meditate and do some yoga. I will refocus my mind, so my exhausted body has a chance to catch up. I will not think negatively, I shall focus on the positive. There is so much good in my life, no need to go down the negative road! Praise Jesus!

Self Awareness

Anxiety has it’s own intentions, it’s own set of rules. I can be having a good day, then all the sudden, it slaps me across the face. I feel a catch in my breath, tightness in my throat (swallowing issues for a moment), dizziness, light headedness, some slight panic through my body. Why, I ask, is this happening? Sometimes, I have no clue. None. Other times, it’s because I haven’t slept well, or I’m more stressed than normal.

Often, when I can pinpoint what caused the anxious feelings, I can get them turned around. I know my anxiety is caused by lies told to me – Dave, his words, the memories of the hell he put me through. I know that his words were ALL lies. When he said I was worthless, or a bitch, among many other things, I know those are lies. Things told to hurt me, by a monster. I know what he said isn’t true, but there are times when the words he said become what I think of myself. When I think badly about myself, I’m allowing that Narcissistic Sociopath to win; I’m giving him the control back that he once had over me. I’m continuing to allow him to drag me down, through nightmares, thoughts of the past, and fear. As much as I say I no longer fear him, I am lying to myself. I know what he is capable of, I have survived his violence on many occasions. To not be afraid is to be stupid. I don’t fear him daily, because my thoughts don’t go to him that often. But, I have my eyes open all the time when I’m out. Walmart still puts me to the test, I fear he will be around the corner. I know how dangerous he is, and won’t be his victim again.

I have to practice being self aware, and keep my mind focused on the present. The past, along with his lies, only want to control me. Satan, not today. God has me, He will keep my head above water. I give Him all the glory!

 

 

Hearts

Thank God hearts are resilient. Mine has been damaged so much in the last 35 +/- years, it almost feels irreparable. Some days it feels okay, others I feel like I have a huge hole in it. Sigh. I used to want it to feel the way it used to, but not anymore. Back then it was damaged, though I didn’t realize it until more recently. Damage from abuse, damage from heartbreak. I want to wake one day and have it feel whole. Fresh and new, like it had never been damaged. Is this the whole “wish in one had, shit in the other” adage? Probably. I pray for God to restore my heart, to let me feel peace in it. In His time…

Survivor

I have been a victim of many crimes in my life, from theft to rape and domestic violence. I used to look at myself as a victim. That word, and mindset, is so destructive. The “victim” mentality is sad, devastating, depressing, and a heavy weight to bare. Knowing you’ve been a victim of crimes/actions is one thing, but knowing that you survived each and every one of them is something different entirely. Going from “victim” to survivor” is a milestone that feels so good to reach. Knowing what I’ve been through, and knowing that it didn’t break me, is a weight lifted. It’s encouraging to reach this point, digging into each step, and getting stronger as you go. Such a relief it is to know your strength, and to not view yourself as a victim to anyone or anything. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….is the truth!

Being victimized is difficult to get past, and the effects on your mind can last forever. We don’t have to continuously think of ourselves as a victim, but as we remember what’s happened, it’s hard not to get pulled into that dark place all over again.

 

 

 

New Year’s Thoughts

2018 is upon us. Saying goodbye to a year can be sad, and relieving…for me this one is a relief to see gone. So much heartache in one year. Several closed doors, all that needed closed, whether I wanted to or not. Some are gorilla glued shut, others can reopen if changes are made by the one on the other side. Some major changes, as the door remains ajar, not fully open….for MY own protection.

I intend to have a wonderful 2018. This isn’t a “resolution”, it’s a pure intention. I am in control of my own happiness. NO more letting someone else control me: my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions in general. Nope. The ball is, and will remain, in my court. I’ve got this.

Letting things go has never felt so good!

Good bye 2017, you won’t be missed.

Wanting Real Moments

I want to make goals with someone. I want to hold someone’s hand and take a walk. I want to make dreams come true with someone. I want to let off Chinese wish lanterns with someone. I want to watch scary movies, and snuggle, with someone. I want to go camping and fishing with someone. I want breakfast in bed with someone. I want to rescue a dog with someone. I want to ride a Harley through the mountains with someone. I want to go to the beach and relax with someone. I want to fly kites with someone. I want to sit outside by a fire pit with someone. I want to go to church with someone.

I want forehead kisses, hand holding, ass smacks, tight hugs, from someone. I want something real, with someone special.